Boundaries

Why do you have them?

I believe that setting your boundaries with people is the most direct path to a life you enjoy living.

I believe that you can't have a genuine relationship with anyone unless you have these defined.

What happens if you don't have them?

If you don't use boundaries and say yes to everything and to everyone , you really don't have any substance that people can get to know. They don't understand who you are because you're not really showing them anything besides an open blvd of green lights. There's no character.

Why do we not have them?

I can only speak personally but I never wanted to be a moments bother to anyone. I had the "nice guy" syndrome as articulated in Dr. Robert A. Glover's book, "No More Mr. Nice Guy"

I thought in order to receive love and acceptance, I needed to be your everything. I needed to solve your problems. I needed to feel all of your pain. I'd say yes to everything. No problem. That's fine w me. I'll make that work. Not an issue. Absolutely. I love to help. I'm here for you all the time no matter what.

Now some of these are good ways to be, some of the time, with a very select few. But it's not ok to be like this with everyone. I learned that I have a certain loving disposition that I like to share with people. I like to make people feel loved. There comes a point where the people don't need this or are even asking for it, but I couldn't read the room. I would just keep piling it on. It's fucking exhausting for some. It's too much. And it comes across as a desperate attempt at gaining acceptance. Which to be honest, it was exactly that. And that search for acceptance can quickly turn into a selfish intent which is the opposite of love.

What I've learned about myself is that I have that ability to make someone feel loved. It's almost like a superpower. But I can't use it all day, everyday. It's not special if I do that. I've decide that only a select few that come around get to feel that glow. I no longer offer it over and over to people who didn't ask for it.

And what's a good sign that we don't have them?

A couple good signs that you don't have any boundaries:

1. The thought of saying "NO" to anyone is super uncomfortable.

2. You feel obligated to do things for people that you really don't want to do.

3. You feel unappreciated most of the time.

How do you implement?

This is the tough part. For those nice guys out there, you're gonna have to let some people down. But you can't live with yourself if you do that? Well guess what, you can barely live with yourself now. So let's see what happens. Fuck it.

But isn't that being selfish if I put my needs first? Yes it is. In the best way possible. My therapist told me this and I love it. "Selfishness gets a bad rap. It's important to take care of your self which is inherently selfish. But it's the good type of selfish. Its self preservation. It's keeping your pitcher full in order to fill others. It's putting your oxygen mask on first type of selfishness. It's ok. If you're having trouble accepting this, try not accepting it and keep living the bullshit life you're living now. See how hard that is to accept later.